Count Vlad Sauguslavsky
SAVE THE MAYOR’S HAIR DRIVE – Seems there are two schools of thought going around the SClarita gossip mill this week. Does Mayor Allan Cameron-Diaz Smyth need a haircut? Critics complain that his front bangs hang down like a theater curtain and are at least 6 inches long. Also, there have been reports Cammykins has been parting his hair down the middle. You know. Like Moe Howard of The Three Stooges? If you have any suggestions for a new do for the most powerful man in SClarita, contact us. We’re shameless. We’ll print anything.
SPEAKING OF CAMERON – Many city hall watchers were stunned last week at the length of the council meeting. It went a scant 90 minutes – and that’s with the usual dumb comments from the peanut gallery. That’s not a record, by the way. Cammykins presided over a 38-minute meeting last year. We heard the young mayor had to get home to watch the season premier of “OC.”
RE: THE ABOVE – For those of you out of the loop, “OC” is the latest really bad spin-off of “91210.”
SPEAKING OF BABE MAGNETS – Our pal Andy Martin has served notice that he’s taking on Arnold Schwarzennegger. Senor Martin announced that starting Dec. 1, he will be offering all the paperwork for illegal aliens to apply for a valid California’s driver’s license. Andy threw down the gauntlet and said that it wasn’t governor-elect Ahhnode’s job to say whether illegals could have licenses or note. Personally, we’re going to get about a half-dozen disguises – Argentinian gaucho, Mongol warrior, Polish Cossack, Japanese sumo wrestler, etc. – and go down to Andy’s and get our picture taken for some fake ID.
THE CONTINUING DECLINE & FALL OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION – A local women’s dress shop, near the Spectrum Club, is getting quite the reputation for their racy windows. Recently spotted on display was a pair of women’s pants. There was an arrow painted on the front, pointing down, with the advertisement: “JUICY.” No. Tacky.
THE CONTINUING DECLINE & FALL OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION, PART II – was witnessed yet again. One of our spies reports that the local retailer Robinson/May is selling bottles of that controversial perfume labeled “FCUK her.” Doesn’t take Freud to figure that one out. Thought Santa Clarita was a family community. Oh well. The bar keeps lowering and alleged adults keep throwing up their hands, making excuses…
PARALLEL UNIVERSES? – Our most fetching spy, Stacey Klein, just got back from a long weekend in Washington and reports that assistant COC president, Eric Harnish, must have gotten a night job. Back east. Seems Klein was coming back on American Airlines and her pilot was – yup. Eric Harnish. Not THE Eric Harnish. An Eric Harnish. Gets better. Stacey’s boyfriend, who works for Pac Bell repair, got a call for help from a John Boston. Apparently, it wasn’t THE John Boston. Stacey’s squeeze reported the fellow had a “Barry White-type of voice.”
PRESS RELEASE OF THE WEEK – goes to 1st Books. They sent us a fax, pushing their new title, “Someone Please Love Me: A True Story of a Dancer from the Movie ‘;Porky’s.'” The memoir is about “…a go-go dancer’s life, failed marriages and Native American heritage.” From the author’s autobiography: “From day one, Crystal River’s life was an evil, vicious, sex trip…” Sounds like an entry for a bad novel competition.
Councilman Kellar Home from Safari
Big white game hunter and SClarita alderman Bob Kellar returned recently from a 6-month vacation and hunting expedition in New Mexico. Well. Like the rest of this report, perhaps we’re stretching the six months.
Kellar reportedly shot an elk and a buffalo. (He assured us the bison he bagged wasn’t one at Hart Park.) Our gossip spies also reported that Kellar shot a beaver, six deer, a puma, three dogs, a pony, a water tank, the local Dairy Queen, a pick-up truck, two Democrats and the above chimpanzee, Binky.
When criticized about shooting something so close to himself on the family tree, Keller grew defensive: “The darn hairy thing was strafing me from an airplane. It was self-defense.” Kellar denied 1) he had been drinking when he shot the chimp; and B) he attended one of those southwest ranches where you stick a rifle into a trailer filled with wilderbeasts and start firing.
Attorneys for Keller gave a brief statement: “Our client did not see the sign, ‘;ZOO’ on the outside of the building before he began firing and feared for his life.”
Relatives of the dead chimp told reporters: “Oo oo. Ooo oooh oo oooh oo. Binky tooky tooky. Miss him dearly” and noted they were going to sue.
Kellar was reported saying, “Take this, you flea pillow!” before firing over 6,000 rounds at the ape in the bi-plane. Kellar attorneys said their client wasn’t on any senseless shooting spree, rather, he was just bringing home groceries for his constituents in the Santa Clarita during the checkers’ strike. When asked: “Who put ‘;monkey’ on the greater Santa Clarita grocery list,’ Kellar’s attorneys had no comment.
Kellar did not say whether he was going to give Binky a Christian burial or sell the body for tacos in East Newhall.
A spokesman for the New Mexico Chimpanzee Pilots Association noted: “That California yahoo Kellar probably saw ‘;Planet of the Apes’ one too many times during the drug-crazed ’70s. I assure you. If he tries to run for national office, he will not get the monkey vote.”